The Potent Heronito

Let me tell you a thing or two about a thing or two. Never drink a stiff cup of drip infused with three shots of espresso. It all started the morning of Jan 14th 2009 at Winter Park Colorado. My buddy Matt and I were having a heady organic breakfast burrito in the Coffee and Tea Market when he pointed out a drink option scribbled in chalk toward the bottom of the espresso menu. It read HERONITO……Espresso Infused Coffee. Of course anything that sounds a bit ridiculous catches my attention and my curiosity got the best of me on this one. I walked up to the counter and a dreaded out little stoner girl sloooowwwwllllllyyyyy asked me what I wanted. “I would like the strongest Heronito please.” She replied, “reeeeeaaaallllyyyyy, you know that has three shots of espresso in it. I didn’t actually know this but at this point I didn’t care, I was more curious if she would forget to ring me up or not. She didn’t and five minutes later I was back at the table sipping on 12 ounces of straight diesel fuel. To be precise, a triple shot Heronito is one cup of rich shade grown fair trade Guatemalan super roast enhanced with three shots of espresso. Needless to say, within three minutes of my first sip I stared feeling weird things happening to my body. I started to shake and talk real fast, my legs began to twitch and my sphincter started to dilate. All of a sudden it hit me, “I’M GOING TO SHIT MY PANTS!” I jumped up and ran to the little stoner girl. I must have had a terrified look in my eye. “Is soooommmmmethinnng wrooong sir?” I quickly replied, “I just drank half of the Heronito and I need to find the restroom.” Like the flip of a switch the little stoner girl snapped out of her enlightened state and all brain cells became one functioning unit. “Sir down the hall to your left, run past all the stalls to the last one, it’s the handicap stall with hand rails, you’re going to need them. HURRY SIR YOU DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME! It obviously wasn’t her first experience with the side effects of the Heronito. So I did just that. With the agility of a running back I sprinted, dipped, ducked and dodged my way through the masses to the restroom. At this point details get a bit sketchy, my mind started to go blurry and I blacked out momentarily. When I came to I was washing my hands at the sink, and I remember looking around at the other restroom patrons. It was like everyone in there had seen a ghost, it was eerily quiet and nobody was really moving. I thought nothing of it, finished washing up and headed back to the Coffee and Tea Market. I thanked the little stoner girl for her good directions and went about my day. I walked out knowing I was one of the lucky ones, having narrowly survived an encounter with the potent Heronito.